Jeff’s Pad

Does packaging ever frustrate you? It seems like it could be done better. So many items are, well, nearly out of reach. Or at least beyond easy accessibility. Or just poorly executed.

I consider myself a fairly strong guy. I have big hands, and I can tell you that I sometimes need all that strength to get things open. I don’t know how folks without a strong grip do it.

Other things are difficult in other ways.

Here are a few things that are harder to open than they should be:

1. teeth whitening strips- wow, where are they? it’s like someone decided to give them their own special kind of camouflage. Come on, manufacturer, with just a little effort these could come out of hiding. Don’t be bashful. We want you. We bought you, didn’t we?

2. string cheese- what the hell? Ok, the idea to pull apart the wrapping makes perfect sense, but the part where you (the manufacturer) fail to do your part- namely, to make the two different sides in a way I can grab onto…what gives? The packaging sure doesn’t.

I have two requests with these. I’m not asking for much:

a. I want to see the two sides, preferably without an electron microscope.

b. I want to be able to grip them without having to flick, flick, flick, flick, flick (unsuccessfully) at two wafer-thin pieces of plastic until the cheese molds before my eyes.

3. new shirts- does there have to be 35 stick pins in these?

4. cd’s- don’t even attempt these without a tool. No wonder sales are off. Sure, the wide availability of downloads is the main reason, but this packaging isn’t helping.

5. how about those plastic covers that entomb things like, oh, staplers, a new mouse for your computer, a kitchen faucet, those types of things? These plastic covers are like WORK baby. You need a Skilsaw to get into your stapler-mouse-faucet-whatever thingy. It’s like a gym workout. You need to shower afterwards.

6. how about those bags with shredded cheese? They often have a ‘peel this strip back’ design that gets you to the main zipper opening. But all too often the ‘peel this strip back’ antecedent is a disaster. You pull at the spot where it says, and the plastic gets all mucked up. I now just start with a scissor.

7. pop cans- ever notice that these cannot be opened without that one or two drop splatter? I want that fixed. Come on, we built Alcatraz and Guantanamo…we should be able to contain that renegade pop drop.

8. cereal box/bag combos- 35 years of Fruit Loops (or is it Froot?) and still no better way to split that bag at the top? Geez, ask an intern. What, is there some kind of calculation that says a million boxes opened poorly that lead to spilled contents means buyers return to the grocery store quicker?

I know there are many more but I would like you, the reader, to now weigh in on this weighty topic. Come on people, vent.  Rip this subject open!

Quick, it’s almost Thanksgiving. (oh yeah…that wire harness around the turkey’s legs!…man you almost need the jaws of life to sever that piece of steel)

I think the single-most threatening thing to our democracy is increasing irascibility and incivility in our public discourse.

The talk radio nabobs spread this coarseness daily, and inquiring minds who want to know- but can’t quite think on their own- repeat the nonsense.

Half-truths, rumors, out-of-context stories and plain old piffle gets tossed around as fact.

Thoughtful debate and real understanding are the casualties of this culture of conflict.

In her book “The Argument Culture,” Deborah Tannen shines a light on this corrosive feature of American culture and public life.

Give it a read.

They aren’t really things, just ideas. And they cost nothing. Perhaps that’s what they are worth. Anyway, here goes:

1. It was interesting to listen to international reaction to the election of Barack Obama. One thing of note was hearing South African cleric Desmond Tutu’s statement that he thought it was a good idea for Obama to apologize to the international community for the Iraq war.

I can’t quite get that one to make sense. I believe the war has been tragic, but for Obama to come in now and apologize would be, uh, well…puzzling.

Who in the international community would you direct that apology to? In what forum?

2. The Republican Party wasted no time forming a circular firing squad after the recent Presidential election. And the one big beef that seemed to be front and center? The McCain side savaging Alaska Governor Sarah Palin.

Hey guys….you picked her.

3. The news that GM, Ford and Chrysler are going to the government with hat in hand just frosts me.

Yes, in case you haven’t heard- and I’m delusional enough to assume that my readers look to jeffspad to get all the latest news- the big American automakers are now looking for big bailout money.

Excuse me, but why should we bail out GM for making crappy cars for a generation? Their poor quality was exceeded only by their incompetent management.

Now we are told that the sheer size of their labor force merits a big rescue plan. I guess the lesson inherent in this is that big and stupid gets rewarded.

Even with massive infusions of money, absent a strategy to make their company viable in the world market, what good does it do to help these guys? They have had plenty of opportunities to improve their business approach, and their track record is dismal.

Before we write these guys a blank check, consider this axiom: “you can’t fix stupid.”

4. Tonight I heard that Russia is apparently going to try to start a hockey league to compete with the NHL.

I have two pieces of advice for them:

Bring plenty of cash and buy more vowels.

5. Last but not least- It is impossible to lick your elbow. You will thank me when that one pops up in your next Trivial Pursuit competition.

I am not sure why, but I like to banter with service people I encounter. Clerks, waitresses, the check-out person at the grocery store- these are all folks that I often strike up a conversation with.

I guess most people are reticent to do this. I don’t know why. I think it livens things up sometimes.

Anyway, the other day I got in an exchange with the order-taker at a drive-up burger-doodle restaurant. I won’t mention the establishment, but let your creative side take you away as you consider the thought of ‘having it your way’ at a fast food place. And I won’t mention the town, except to say that it was very close to Mandan, North Dakota.

Oops, maybe the title gave this away already.

Anyway, when it came time to order I asked how much the sandwich alone cost- without the fries. This is a new burger in their lineup, and I didn’t immediately see it posted.

The conversation went like this:

Me: So, how much is the sandwich alone for the new mushroom-swiss-onion-cheese-onion-more cheese and more-burger?

Formless-voice-in-a-box: $4.99.

Me: Really? That seems expensive.

F-V-I-A-B: huh-huh. yeah.

Me: Would you take $3.99 for it? (My friend with me broke out in laughter at this time)

F-V-I-A-B: uhhh. uhhh. Do you want it?

Me: yeah, but it seems expensive.

F-V-I-A-B: yeah, the price just went up today. (this was a Tuesday)

Me: Really? I was going to come on Monday but didn’t make it. Can I get the Monday price?

F-V-I-A-B: uh….ok. (My friend is laughing hard now)

Me: Great!

F-V-I-A-B: Yeah. OK. Does that complete your order?

Me: No. My friend wants a chicken burger.

F-V-I-A-B: Ok. That will be $4.50

Me: Uhhh….Ok.

As we drove up to pay/pick-up, my friend and I wondered aloud how it came to $4.50, as her order alone was that much.

At the window I paid the $4.50. I then realized I hadn’t ordered a drink. So I asked for a coke.

‘Sure,’ said the clerk, and he brought me the drink.

‘here you go, just take it, I’m not going to charge you.’

As we drove away and down the road home, I started thinking about this encounter. I was struck by the thought- overcome with the thought, really- that I had probably just encountered a real, live undecided voter.

Now I know that seems a bit random, but someone as malleable and seemingly unconcerned with procedure, structure and following restaurant protocol is the type of person most likely (in my mind) to have not really formed an opinion on something as (now stay with me here) abstract as voting for President.

Why do I suggest this would be approaching an abstraction for this clerk? Because if my job consisted of taking food orders from patrons, and then collecting money for those orders, and I was not too concerned about what I actually collected for those orders…why would I care about the choice of the selection of the leader of the free world?

Maybe this is crazy logic, but I don’t think so.

As I drove down the interstate, I became more certain that this clerk was either an undecided voter or someone who was not going to vote. And I was upset with myself that I hadn’t engaged in a discussion with the guy on that subject.

This led to an imaginary interview which went as follows:

Me: Thanks for the whopper of a deal on the new burger.

Likely Undecided Voter: No problem

Me: Let me ask you something; are you going to vote for President next week?

LUV: yeah, probably.

Me: Have you decided who you will vote for?

LUV: uhhh…not really.

Me: Bingo! Damn! Wow. I am speechless.

LUV: uhhh…ok.

Me: see, I think this is so interesting. To me it’s like seeing Bigfoot. I just didn’t think something like this would be possible.

LUV: seeing bigfoot?

Me: No. Meeting an undecided voter.

LUV: why?

Me: Why? Because it is…uh, in my mind being undecided at this point is so hard to understand. I mean, the differences between the two candidates seem to be quite clear. For me it is not something I don’t….uh, understand. I am trying to be polite, but, if you can’t see the clear distinction these two candidates provide, what exactly are you thinking?

LUV: I don’t know

Me: you don’t know. Does one seem to be clearly to the left of the political spectrum and the other clearly to the right?

LUV: uh, I guess. what is your point?

Me: My point….my point is that with such clear differences between the two, how can it be possible to be undecided?

LUV: I don’t know. I guess I stay pretty busy here at my job and I don’t pay that much attention.

Me: You are pretty consumed with work? That pretty much drains all your time?

As you can see, my imaginary conversation led nowhere. And since I have missed dinner and am now starving, I am headed to a local Burger Doodle to see what kind of deal I can get.

Don’t forget to vote on Tuesday.

This is my most lightweight post to date, but I must weigh in on this issue.

See, I love football. But I need to rant. Again.

I played quite a lot when I was young. And now I enjoy watching it, although not nearly as much as I used to watch.

The problem with today’s National Football League is how choppy and interrupted the game has become.

Between regular timeouts, injury timeouts, quarter and halftime breaks, review timeouts, TV timeouts and the plague of penalties, this game has become a mess.

I think an interesting experiment would be to channel surf to a game at random intervals to see how often you ‘land’ on a game where actual play is taking place. By this I mean the following:

Turn your television to a ‘neutral channel’ (where no game is taking place) and then at various times over the next three hours (roughly the duration of the game) turn your TV to the channel of your selected game. Make the number, oh, say 20 times. Then conduct this experiment over 100 games. Over that sample set, what do you believe the % of time will be where you land on the game when there is action occurring?

My guess is that it will be right around 25%.

And that ain’t cuttin’ it, in my book.

The amount of standing around is stunning. No wonder 350 pound men can play. Hell, the amount of time they have to be moving is minimal.

Compare this to a hockey game. Or to a soccer game. These people have to actually be in shape. They run, or skate, or otherwise have to be in motion.

Pro football… Six or seven seconds of action, then play stops. And often, for a considerable amount of time.

Has anyone else out there noticed this? Why is this ok? I don’t think it is.

But, I think that league officials will be unmoved at how I feel about this. That is just a hunch.

So, dear readers, can we join together to do something about this scourge? Can we effect change in the NFL to bring it back (if it ever was acceptably fast-paced) to a place where action occurs without so many breaks?

Send me your revolutionary ideas to fix the game. I will assemble them and arrange a meeting with Roger Goodell (I think he is the commissioner) to move this issue along.

The football-watching world is waiting for us to act. Let’s get started today.

You will have plenty of time during the next timeout.

They are:

Burn after Reading and Religulous.

Burn After Reading” by the Coen brothers is an excellent movie.

I think it is accurate to say that the movie is basically about human stupidity, and some people’s exaggerated sense of self-importance

A few days later I went to Bill Maher’s movie “Religulous.”

It is also excellent, and it too is a take on stupidity, from Maher’s point-of-view. The movie is a documentary that follows Maher on his journey to dismantle what he believes to be people’s pathetically simplistic belief systems around God or whatever they are calling their religion.

I still believe in God, and my spirituality remains intact following the movie. But I like it when people ask good questions about things I consider important. And the movie was funny.

So I have no ill will toward Maher. I think he is a funny guy. And he asks really good questions.

And the fact is, he is right about most of the things he calls into question. Or at least I think he is.

But I make this distinction. My take on religion is that it is (my experience with it, anyway) a set of beliefs constructed by men as a vehicle to a kind of ultimate explanation- God, if you will. Maher takes that vehicle and drives it into the ditch, laughing while he does it.

Oh yeah, back to the distinction. You don’t really need religion to help with believing in a higher power. So while Maher wants to laugh and make fun of religion, I am able to laugh along with him. But that deconstruction doesn’t disprove God, it just points out the silly stories folks have in their religion.

I look around at the world and see things and ask where it all came from. I don’t believe it just ‘poof,’ appeared. There had to be a creation event. And something was responsible for that. Or at least I think so.

Because if Maher thinks it just appeared magically, absent a creator/creative event…then he ironically is left with an explanation as silly as the stories he is making fun of.

I think you could call that ‘hoisted on his own petard.’

Burn after Reading is delicious dark humor, served on a Coen Brothers bar. It is both subtle and outrageous at the same time. The character played by John Malkovich is hilarious. All in all, it is very…Coenesque.

I predict two things about these two movies:

1) the extreme religious right will go bonkers over the Maher movie

2) both movies will be marginal in box office receipts

Why? Because criticizing religion and subtle humor about human stupidity are not themes that probably have a lot of traction in a culture that apparently has to hear the words ‘god bless america’ (see earlier post ‘things that make you go hmmm’) at the end of every political speech and where ignorance in a candidate is viewed as a virtue by roughly half the voting population.

Today I attended my last parent/teacher conference. I have three kids, and my youngest is a senior in high school.

I was surprised at how emotional this was for me.

I am not overly sentimental, but realizing that this was the last time I would walk up the school steps made me think back over the many years I have performed this parental ritual. And the memories are clear, poignant and important.

I won’t burden you with another overwrought story of a parent droning on and on about some personal aspect of their childrens lives. Done well, those stories are moving. But too often they are not within reach for the reader.

I will just say this; I am proud beyond words of my kids. And I will close with this stunning fact: In all the years of raising my three kids, not once did I ever tell any of them to do their homework.

Not a single time.

I think that is amazing. And so are they.

I know how you can make a million dollars. Make that a billion. I have a billion dollar business idea.

And you don’t have to send me $29.99 to learn more. I will just tell you.

When you go to get your hair cut, they often wash your hair, right?

That massaging of the scalp during the wash and rinse is my favorite part. It is heaven.

It rivals sex. I like it better than a conventional massage, the back and body type.

Ok, so….offer THAT as a service. The head massage. Add it to the list of other items, along with a cut, a perm, color, what have you. That is my billion dollar idea.

I have shared this sunburst of insight with my stylist. She likes the idea. Or at least likes it enough to say, “yeah, that’s a good idea.” Maybe what she actually likes is having me as a customer, because thus far she hasn’t added the head massage to her list of services.

Maybe she is afraid to tell me it isn’t such a great idea, fearing I may not take the rejection well and would leave her. I don’t know. I think I will ask her the next time she delivers one of those orgasmatrons of head-massaging pleasure.

I imagine the conversation going like this: (names, uh.. the name has been changed to protect Carol’s identity. All IQ’s remain the same, however)

Me: Mary, remember you said you liked my head-massage idea?

Mary: Uh, yeah.

Me: Well, I was thinking. If you agree it’s a good idea, why don’t you do it?

Mary: Uh, I don’t know.

Me: Ok. That’s hard to argue with. And to understand.

Mary: Huh?

Me: Never mind.

Mary: Whatever.

Now, I believe massage therapists offer this service but I am told that they don’t do it while washing your hair. So, there is no water and lather to make it just right. I understand that when they do the head massage it is actually noisy, as the human head of hair is a veritable deafening instrument to the possessor of that head when said head is rubbed vigorously without the necessary lubricating ingredients.

If my stylist doesn’t move on this idea soon I am going to take action. I am going to schedule a massage with a massage therapist and I will bring along some shampoo.

This may just be a marketing issue.

A few quick queries for you to consider……

What do you secretly dream?

What would you do if you were brave?

What controls your choices?

What would you be like at full potential?

Take out a pen or pencil and describe your authentic self.

What is your capacity for love?

What have you learned from life?

Today let’s consider some things a person could label as ‘odd.’

Here is my brief list:

1. the idea called ‘thinking outside the box.’

2. loud talkers on the phone.

3. interest in the life of celebrities

4. chanting ‘USA, USA’ at the Republican National Convention

First, to state the obvious; this list is in need of explanation and background. Second, it is by no means an exhaustive list. Indeed, I think I could come up with a list of four or five of these every few hours. Finally, I don’t for a minute think the list is without controversy, or a big disagreement, or complete apathy.

That should cover it.

Ok, now as far as an explanation and background…I’m not going to do that. After considering it, I have decided that I will forego that didactic lecture. First, it would come across as pedantic and aloof. I do enough of that already. And second, I am anxious to join my wife to watch a video of the movie Doomsday, which appears to contain exactly what we Americans look for in movies; gratuitous violence, it is completely ridiculous, and has broad swaths of implausibility. Should be great. Pass the popcorn.

Okay, let’s think ‘outside of the (popcorn) box.’

I think this is one of the single most goofy things people in business are fond of saying. Let me roll the imaginary audio reel…(imagine now some ‘leader’ cajoling the troops…)

“Ok people, let’s think outside of the box.”

I’m sure there have been some hilarious Dilbert strips on this one.

Just saying it implies that we spend a lot of time ‘in the box.’ Hmmm. Wouldn’t it be entertaining if a co-worker walked into the boss’ office and said something like…”mr. Jones, I have a confession to make. I have been thinking inside of the box all day. Sorry. I need to move it outside. And since it’s now after 2 pm, I am clocking in on the outside. Right now. I should come up with some strategic brilliance by 5.”

Furthermore, aren’t there some pretty big assumptions around that exhortation? Doesn’t it imply that others can recognize that kind of thinking? I don’t know about everyone else reading this post, but in my experience I have heard that request come mostly from people who were pretty much deaf, dumb and blind to anything remotely innovative.

Finally, be careful when you hear that request. True thinking outside the box usually means change. Change means shaking up the status quo. And the powers-that-be are affected by changes in the status quo. So, while they are the ones making the request, they are also the ones that may not like the notion of true change. This means they will ultimately define what thinking outside the box is. Again, in my experience the leaders don’t mean think outside the box. What they really mean is think inside the box, but find a different corner of that same box.

It’s kind of like re-packaging. Or lipstick on a pig.

One particularly memorable time I thought outside the box. I shared that thinking. And then I was kicked outside the box. I had to find a new box. No one said later that I had been caught thinking outside the box. They actually became uncharacteristically creative in describing what happened. As fiction goes, it was a nice effort. Nearly ‘out of the box’ in a sense.

The second item is loud talking, specifically on the phone.

First and foremost, it is annoying. And unnecessary. One could say impolite.

I don’t understand this behavior. And then I get really confused when these same loud talkers go into a whisper mode, which signals everyone within earshot (quite a distance with these folks) that something personal or embarrassing or otherwise untoward is now being discussed.

Wouldn’t these folks at this point, assuming they are still communicating successfully while whispering, say to themselves; “Hmmm…if they can hear me when I whisper, I probably don’t need to talk (shout?) at this crazy decibel level.

Interest in the lives of celebrities is proof to me that our country is in deep shit. Each visit to the grocery store is a reminder that future anthropologists will be shaking their heads at the remnants of this vacuous and empty aspect of our culture. There they are at the check-outs; barricades of printed banality that grocery shoppers are only too happy to scoop up and scour for….whatever it is consumers of this crap get out of it.

Can anyone tell me why they care about the lives of Britney Spears or Paris Hilton or Nicole Richey? Or however you spell her name. Or that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie adopted some kid? Why is this interesting? Why do I care about how some celebrity looks in their swimsuit? Is this helpful at cocktail parties? Are people preparing for some pop culture category on Jeopardy? Does this satisfy some kind of voyeurism? Are people jealous? Is this the American equivalent to Britains apparent obsession with their royalty?

These are serious questions about something that seems not to be at all serious. Seriously.

I have noticed that people like to distance themselves from this consumption. Nobody that I have run into wants to admit they just plain like it. Usually there is a reluctance about it. People are apologetic, saying things like ‘oh I just pick one up sometimes. I like the fashion pictures. I know it’s rubbish.’

I don’t know anybody who subscribes. If anyone reading this blog knows of or has seen this creature, please send me the information.

I have questions.

Ok, this last one is weird. At the Republican National Convention I witnessed grown adults chanting “USA, USA.”

Now, I can see this happening at a USA vs Russia hockey game. Or something like the Ryder Cup. These are competitive athletic events.

But at an event with no competitors? Huh?

What is the point? Patriotism? If so, to what end? To demonstrate that to the rest of the world?

I’m sure that impresses them.

To demonstrate Republicans are more patriotic than Democrats?

And just how does that prove it is so?

What is the point?

Now, I don’t want this to appear partisan in any way. I am addressing a specific behavior. In future posts I will pick on the Democrats for some version of their goofiness.

But really, what is this all about?

Hmmm?